So I
finally had that moment. You know that moment? The one where your life
flashes before you. Yeah, that one. Well mine finally happened on
my 41st birthday of all days. I mean really, on my birthday? Now that it
did, I'm not sure how I feel about the furious, yet brief accumulation of my
life summary.
Almost
driving my car into a large, cliff-size ditch elicited an instant where my life
passing before my eyes. It was a rainy
morning and I was heading to Corvallis, traveling north on Hwy 99. Given I had only had three hours of sleep the
previous night (thanks to my adorable, 2 year old daughter who picked last
night to test her boundaries), my internal voice accompanied my drive by
chanting the mantra, “Must stay awake, I need caffeine. Must stay awake, I need caffeine. Must stay awake, I need caffeine.” Amazingly enough, it was not being sleep
deprived that initiated this near death experience. No, it was phobia triggering arachnid.
Before I tell you what occurred, I
should explain, I HATE SPIDERS! There
are only a few things in life that I really do hate (though countless things I
dislike). Those nasty, foul things top
my small list of hatred. I am not sure
when I began to dislike them, but it could have start in my childhood when my
mom and her best friend use to joke about how spiders had to be
communists. Their theory was that the
Russians sent the spiders on the nefarious job of creating cobwebs to keep the
archetype role of the American housewife in perpetual demand.
Most likely my arachnophobia began from
a prank pulled on me. I had my own
apartment and one evening invited a group of friends over to watch the recently
released hit “Arachnophobia.” No big
deal right? Wrong, when two of your male friends decide to play a grand joke on
my girlfriends and I. Little did we
know, that they had smuggled a mason jar full of grasshoppers into my
apartment. Having seen the movie, they
timed their escapade well. For whatever
reason, we girls played right into their scheme by placing ourselves in front
of them, lying comfortable on pillows piled up on the carpet. During the scene when hundreds of spiders
flew at the screen, the jar full of grasshoppers was tossed on our backs! Screaming and chaos ensued! The boys of course dealt with my wrath and
were forced to find ever last grasshopper that they had brought. It was not very funny at the time, but
looking back, I can’t help find the humor in most of it, if only it had not
involved spiders.
Another reason the little buggers and I
do not get along is that they like to bite me.
Not life threating, more annoying you may think, but alas not for
me. I have made four trips to the emergency
room to deal with the blood poisoning I have developed from the spider
bites. So to say the least, I do not
find them endearing or helpful in my sphere of life.
So when this small, white jumping spider
dropped on my hand, I did not give it time to wish me “salutations” as
Charlotte would nor did I wait to see if it was going to sing me “Happy Birthday.” I did what any reasonable human would do,
freaked out. I looked down and began to
furiously wipe my hands down my front, making sure the vile creature was truly
gone. Even now thinking back on the
situation, I am not sure what brought me out of my horror in time to avoid
plummeting into the ditch at 60 mph. But
something did. Only by the Grace and my
guardian angel, am I here to recall this recent memory. Accessing the ditch, I knew my death would
have been certain. This was not your
ordinary ditch that a car would sail over at a high rate of speed to hopefully
land in a very jolting bounce, there was no way I would have cleared it. It is amazing the information that will
filter through your mind from all the knowledge you have glean through your
life experiences (of being a volunteer firefighter for over ten years). One must ask the question, is this a time you
want to be blissfully naïve or have full knowledge of the possible fate waiting
you?
Once, I
had saved myself by jerking the wheel back to the highway, I attempted to calm
my rapid breath, drawing in deep, slow breathes as I gained control over my
vehicle and hyper focused on the road ahead.
My heart pounded against my chest and my ears roar with the cacophony of
its cadence. Finally controlling my fast
and erratic breathing, I was able to regain control over my paralyzed body, if
you can call a body trembling with shudders paralyzed.
Just as
my traumatic event had passed, the evil creature had the nerve to show itself
again, hanging from the steering wheel.
Given how short my life flashed before me, and how important I now found
life to be, I did not panic again, merely waited for it to finish its descent
and then I did the merry stomp on my floorboard, dancing it to death.
I am sure
you are wondering as much as I am, thus the reason for my reflecting on this
poignant moment, what flashed before me.
It was the shortest brief of my life, a summary of rapid flashed of
faces of those I loved and the myriad of emotions that comes from a great
loss. If that was not overwhelming
enough, my mind was flooded by my greatest fear, losing my daughter. If I died, I would not be there for her as my
mother was for me, to help guide her, teach her and raise a strong, independent
female that could handle herself with grace and intelligence.
Now, I am
sure most would say a prayer, thank the powers that you believe in and continue
on with newly brighten day with a newly regained sense of purpose. I did all of this but also realized I did not
want to finish the open book of my life or a self-fulfilling prophecy. I grabbed the opportunity presented to me and
used it wisely. The next several hours brought
a time of self-reflection on who I am, how others perceive me and what I want
to see for the final time my life flashes before me.
Defining one-self is most often done
through another’s eyes, though amazing enough it is only ourselves that know
the whole truth of who we are and how we came to gathered all the pieces that
form our true self. So who am I? I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, and a
friend to name the top four masks I happily don. Have you ever been asked to define yourself
on a whole? Well here is what I would
say: I am an unique enigma rolled up into a creative, chaotic ball of love,
that enjoys giving of herself and strives to maintain control and logical order
of her life while balancing the need for freedom with the desire to be
cherished, valued and an integral piece of the lives of those I truly love. (Breathe)
I never want to be placed in this
position again; however I am thankful to have glimpsed the beginning of the outline
of my life. I am also thankful for the
gift to be able to have the time to slowly finish my story and be in control of
the plot. Even given this unique
birthday gift, I will never like spiders.
